Parenting: mothers' loss to transgender

Letter To a Deadname

The Countdown to Goodbye

Audra Pitts
3 min readNov 1, 2022

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By Audra J Pitts

https://medium.com/subscribe/@audrajpitts744

Photo by 선인장 on Unsplash

This article is brutally honest and emotional, yet it is highly controversial. It is not meant to offend anyone, as I fully support my child and anyone in the LGBTQ community. I hope this will relate to other parents experiencing the same inner turmoil and trying to understand.

My Dearest K,

You will not get to read this as you no longer exist. I hope to see you again one day, running through the field of wildflowers in your little Easter dress. Your pictures hang on my wall like a shrine. Time is slipping away, and soon there will be nothing left to recognize. I felt pride and joy when I first saw that perfect little face. I watched you sleep for hours, kissing your beautiful forehead. You were my most outstanding achievement, and it now seems I have failed.

I spent hours picking out the perfect name for the perfect little girl you were. I thought I would be alright when you told me you were going away, with tears in your eyes and a shaky voice — the dagger through my heart, the grief, and the loss. I was furious with you for wanting to leave me. I lashed out at you and said unspeakable things. I realize those words will be the last words I speak to you. If only I could take them all back. Forgive me, my kitten; I will always love you.

Every day I put on a brave face while choking back the tears. The person that stands before me is nothing like you. Why have you chosen to go? If only I could have another day, one more moment in time. A parent shouldn’t ever lose their child and then have that child’s shell remain. He tells me it is not a choice; it just is. What does that even mean? “It just is!” How can a little girl be a boy? I don’t understand. Please, little kitten, I know you are still in there somewhere, staring out at me. A tiny piece of you remains; before you are gone forever, please help me understand. Teach me, my kitten, how to love this person who has taken over your soul.

Soon, you will be gone forever, and a young man will stand firm in your place. I will love him as I loved you, and eventually, the…

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Audra Pitts

Content writer, fiction, non-fiction, horror. I do not have a specific niche but write to connect on a level of internal growth.